Tag Archives: Heston’s Mission Impossible

TV Review: Heston’s Mission Impossible

Heston Blumenthal’s BRILLIANT isn’t he? He’s the ‘mad genius’ behind snail porridge, meat lollipops and all manner of craaaaazy food-stuffs that people really don’t want to eat. And what that man can’t do with dry ice, quite frankly isn’t worth knowing.

One might even say (probably Heston himself) that his outlandish flair for food is akin to alchemy… in the sense of it being all magical and stuff. Undoubtably if Hogwart’s ever decided to replace their house-elves with a celebrity chef, Heston would be top of their list (well apart from Nancy Lamb, who is a little bit more amazing than Heston).

So it was with great excitement that I sat down to watch Heston’s Mission Impossible, in which the self-styled ‘culinary maverick’ decided to revolutionise the cinema food industry – which was nice of him.

Apparently Heston’s not happy with the selection of popcorn, hot-dogs and ice-creams currently available at UK cinemas, and so decided to replace them with… *drumroll* an ever-so-slightly different selection of popcorn, hot-dogs and ice-creams! Hmmmmm.

But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Before Heston’s big (aka rubbish) reveal he went off on a slightly dubious tangent which involved pumping a cinema auditorium with a variety of ungodly smells designed to ‘enhance’ the movie experience. This included THE SMELL OF SPERM. I kid you not.

Quite how Heston synthesised his sexy smells I dread to think, but I was relieved to see that his ‘revolutionary concept’ was even less popular than a plate of shit stained shellfish. Phew!

So with the end of his documentary fast approaching, Heston needed to pull something out of his culinary bag and quick. Cue much head-scratching and general arsing about at Fat Duck HQ.

The insanely creative results of which were:

  1. Popcorn… in a variety of UNSPECIFIED FLAVOURS!
  2. Ice-cream… made with DRY ICE!
  3. Hot-dogs… with ketchup INSIDE THE SAUSAGE!

Half-hearted round of applause for Heston! Now does anyone fancy an Olympic Breakfast?

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