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Video: Madonna – Give Me All Your Luvin’

If there’s one woman who can wake an amateur blogger from his daytime television induced stupor, it’s Madonna. After a three-year hiatus making snooze-worthy movies and copping off with barely legal boys, the Benjamin Button of pop makes a triumphant return to music, with her latest single, Give Me All Your Luvin’.

Sporting freshly plumped cheeks and those (now obligatory) leatherette gloves, Madge has roped in M.I.A., Nicki Minaj and Martin Solveig for some extra cool points. But is the video worthy of your attention? Let’s investigate…

Some pointless ponitificating about the nature of celebrity... DO GET ON WITH IT!

Yes, yes the cheerleaders gone wild theme has been done to death, but she's probably keen to win over the yanks.

This is how I imagine Madonna enters EVERY room... by breaking the door down with a pram whist wreathed in clouds of dry ice.

This woman is 53 years old, and her arse looks way better than yours.

This probably won't be entered into Madge's approved list of flattering camera angles.

M.I.A. tries her best not to look bored.

I'm taking a wild stab in the dark that this is a vague reference to Madge being a MILF.

It wouldn't be a Madonna video without a bit of lezzing off.

Oh dear, not even Madonna is immune to the charms of corporate sponsorship :(

53 YEAR-OLD GUSSET ALERT!

The teapot dance goes HORRIBLY wrong.

Quite possibly the least successful 'sexy wink' of all time, but brilliant nonetheless.

Ta-da! Yes very good Madonna, well done you.

In summary… AMAZING! Welcome back Madonna.

Pop Specs rating:

Album Review: Natalia Kills – Perfectionist

Many artists have attempted to follow in the dildo-heeled footsteps of Lady Gaga, and thus far, all have limped embarrassingly off into obscurity (we may forgive, Sabrina Washington, but we most certainly do NOT forget).

Enter stage left, Natalia Kills, the latest young pretender to Gaga’s crown, who on paper at least, appears to have enough credentials to challenge pop’s monstrous matriarch.

Having been signed by will.i.am and placed with Gaga’s former label, Cherrytree Records, Kills has since gone on to work with a string of Gaga collaborators, including Akon, Laurieann Gibson and the dubiously monikered über-producer ‘Cherry Cherry Boom Boom‘.

At first glance there’s a lot to dislike about Natalia Kills. Bradford born and bred, she’s somehow developed a pseudo-American accent that even Joss Stone would be proud of. To compound things even further, Kills has produced a series of overbearingly noirish, art-house videos that seem horribly contrived when you realise she was once a star of your mum’s favourite radio play, The Archers.

And so we arrive at Natalia Kills’ debut release, Perfectionist, an album which is saturated with the dark, over-stylised sheen of her wearying stage persona, and yet somehow manages to be pretty enjoyable nonetheless.

Break You Hard provides one of the album’s early highlights, an aggressive mid-tempo number peppered with the sounds of breaking glass and electric guitar. Dodgy spoken interludes aside, Love Is a Suicide and Superficial offer plenty of electro-ear candy with an assortment of bleeps and distorted vocals which are oh so de rigeur these days.

Mirrors is Kills’ most blatant Gaga impersonation, combining the familiar electro-pop sound of Just Dance with the sexually aggressive lyrics of Rihanna’s S&M. It’s the sort of song you could imagine going down well at a Lambrini-fuelled Anne Summer’s party.

Things take a more interesting turn with Zombie, which mixes up tribal beats with a haunting femmebot vocal, while Free sees Kills momentarily cast aside her oblique demeanour to provide the album’s most unashamedly pop moment.

Unfortunately Perfectionist runs out of steam a little early, with later tracks, Broke, Heaven and If I was God failing to make much of an impression on these ears at least. Which is a shame really, because the rest of the album is really rather good!

So will Natalia Kills manage to topple Lady Gaga from her mermaid wheelchair? I very much doubt it. But if you can overlook her excruciatingly editorial posturing and occasional dalliances into copycat territory, you might just discover an artist capable of delivering reasonably worthwhile pop fodder.

Pop Specs rating:

Video: Cher Lloyd – Swagger Jagger

Not content with her assault on the nation’s eardrums, Cher Lloyd yesterday gave our eyes an unwelcome battering, with the video release of Swagger Jagger. Is it any good? Well yes and no (but mostly no). Let’s weigh up the pros and cons.

Good points:

Philippa Hole - not to be confused with Cher Lloyd.

Bad points:

  • Cher Lloyd features quite heavily in it.
  • She’s evidently been shot in the face by Homer Simpson’s make-up gun.
  • The song still sounds like fingernails down a blackboard.

In conclusion:

  • Cher Lloyd’s ‘swagger’ is unlikely to appeal to anyone over the age of 15.
  • The amount of of financial investment in Cher means we’ll probably have to tolerate her for at least the next 18-months.
  • Whoever selected that AMAZING video thumbnail has more than likely been fired. Sad times.

Lady Gaga rocks blue armpit hair whilst reclining on a toilet #standard

Ok, I’ll admit that I’m still smarting over that underwhelming Edge of Glory video, but Lady Gaga managed to partially redeem herself today, by posting this suitably bonkers photo on her tumblr, Amen†Fashion.

Entitled, ‘PRIVATE IN PUBLIC’, the photo is probably meant to convey a terribly serious message about personal boundaries, gender roles or some such rubbish. Personally, I’m just happy to gawp at that worrying crop of blue under-arm fuzz.

Also to be found on Amen†Fashion are a selection of bewildering inspiring pearls of wisdom from the Mother Monster herself, including:

I’VE LEARNED LOVE IT LIKE A BRICK YOU CAN BUILD A HOUSE OR SINK A DEAD BODY

Yeah, I’ve got no idea what it means either. But let’s be honest, The Saturdays aren’t likely to start spouting amazing twaddle like this any time soon now are they?

Video: Britney Spears – I Wanna Go

If you’ve ever wanted to peek inside the frappuccino fuelled mind of an irreparably damaged popstar, today is your lucky day! Britney has released her video for I Wanna Go, and it’s a head-spinning mess of misjudged humour, ham-fisted pop-culture references and confusing sexual imagery.

WARNING: This video includes no ‘Britney dancing’ in the traditional sense. After the dance-double shit storm of Till The World Ends, this is probably for the best. What we have instead is some underwhelming (and significantly less taxing) ‘Britney bopping’. Sad face.

Potty mouth Britney

Britney demonstrates her potty mouth. I like to imagine she talks like this 99% of the time... especially in front of her kids.

The Burger King?

WHO IS THIS? Answers on a postcard please...

Britney's abs

POP PORN! Someone alert the Daily Mail.

Britney cops a feel

Britney goes for a grope - don't worry, it's not classed as sexual assault if the victim loves it (cue jubilant back flip).

Freaky child

Inexplicable wolf-whistling baby... CHECK!

Britney flashes her assets

For no apparent reason, Britney flashes her assets 'for the lads'. Is this empowering? Or just plain slutty? WHAT'S GOING ON?

Subtle brand positioning

The money $hot - well done Volkswagen for funding this debacle.

Britney goes nuts

She's just a head-shave and an umbrella away from being Britney circa 2007 (aka the halcyon days).

The obligatory boob shot

The not-so-subtle boob shot. PHWOAR etc etc.

Not-so-clever movie reference

Look! A reference to Britney's movie career! CLEVER!

Robo-paparazzo

Hang on... what?

Target acquired

Oh I see... this is Britney being a target of the terminator-esque paparazzo. CLEVER!

Sexy milky face

Anti-pop porn perhaps? I'm beyond confused.

Sam Lufti's cameo

Yikes! It's like Sam Lufti all over again!

In summary… WHAT A BLOODY MONGREL!

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